


Never Have I Ever Said I Love You

by crystalkei



Series: Never Have I Ever Actually Fallen In Love [13]
Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Driving Lessons, F/M, Love Confessions, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: “Wanna learn to drive?”Devi tilted her head. “Seriously?”“Yeah,” Paxton said with a shrug.“I don’t have my permit, my mom won’t even let me get the book from the DMV. I really have no idea what to do,” she admitted, a mix of nervous and excited. “Are you sure you want to let me?”“Driving isn’t hard and you’re basically good at everything except flirting so I’m not worried.”Devi narrowed her eyes at him. “You like flirting with me.”“I find it charming because you’re so bad at it.” He booped her nose and Devi cringed because okay maybe he had a point.
Relationships: Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar
Series: Never Have I Ever Actually Fallen In Love [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761826
Comments: 20
Kudos: 75





	Never Have I Ever Said I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> CW: Devi has a panic attack

McEnroe again, walking you through the wild stuff happening to Devi this fine summer day. It turns out, Paxton and Devi are in an empty parking lot. You’re not going to believe what’s happening. 

“Why are we at a Mormon church?” Devi asked, looking around, curiously. The brick building in front of them looked more like an office building with a steeple than a church. 

“I don’t think they like to be called Mormons anymore.” Paxton put the Jeep in park, turned it off, and gave Devi a shy smile. “Wanna learn to drive?”

Devi tilted her head. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Paxton said with a shrug. 

“I don’t have my permit, my mom won’t even let me get the book from the DMV. I really have no idea what to do,” she admitted, a mix of nervous and excited. “Are you sure you want to let me?”

“Driving isn’t hard and you’re basically good at everything except flirting so I’m not worried.” 

Devi narrowed her eyes at him. “You like flirting with me.”    
  
“I find it charming because you’re so bad at it.” He booped her nose and Devi cringed because okay maybe he had a point. At least he thought it was cute.    
  
“Really though, outside of a go kart, I’ve really never driven anything. Have you considered you have too much faith in me?” 

“Nah.” Paxton got out of the car, walked around to her door, and opened it. “C’mon. You got this.” 

Devi bit the inside of her cheek. Driving didn’t actually look hard, she could do it. And Paxton taught little kids to swim, he could definitely teach her to drive. She unbuckled her seatbelt and hopped out. He followed her around the car and when she got in, he leaned in. He put his hand on her right knee and pointed at the pedals with his free hand.    
  
“Gas and brake.” 

Devi looked at the pedals and put her food on each one. “Just like a go kart.” 

“Just like a go kart,” Paxton repeated back to her before he shut her door and walked around the front of the Jeep to get in the passenger side. 

Devi put her hands on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. 

“Foot on the brake, turn the key,” he instructed, as he put his seatbelt on. “I parked here so you can just go forward for now.”    
  
Devi looked around, the parking lot was empty, just rows and rows of lines. She followed his instructions. Foot on the brake. Turn the key. The car started. A surge of exhilaration made its way from her chest right out to her fingers. She tightened her hands around the steering wheel. 

“Put it in drive.” Paxton took her hand from the wheel and guided it to the gearshift. 

“How do I do that?” she asked, her voice going up an octave. 

“Don’t freak out, it’s easy. Really.” He kept his hand over hers and showed her how to put the car in drive. “Now take your foot off the brake and gently put it on the gas.” 

She put her other hand back on the wheel and gulped before lifting her foot and moving it over just slightly to the gas. Devi barely pushed down but nothing happened.    
  
“Okay you can apply a little more pressure than that,” he said, giving her a nod of approval. 

“Are you sure?” Devi asked, not looking at him, keeping her eyes ahead on the parking lot. It didn’t seem safe to look at him. 

“Just a little more pressure on the gas will be fine.”   
  
Devi pressed down just a little further and the car started to inch forward. Devi blew air out and tried not to smile. She needed to focus. The Jeep was basically a wrecking ball and she was currently in charge of steering it. 

“You’re doing great,” Paxton said as she moved slowly. 

But Devi could see she was going very slow. Like she hadn’t made it more than two feet at this speed. The arrow on the odometer barely ticked above the zero. 

“I’m moving like a turtle.” She chanced a look at Paxton but then moved her eyes back to the parking lot in front of her. Not that there was anything she could possibly run into.    
  
“That’s fine. You have to get comfortable going forward and going slow is the best way to do that.”   
  
“Did you just spin my moving slower than Gary the snail, into a good thing?” Devi asked, irritated. 

“You’re a person who picks things up quickly and gets mad if you don’t, aren’t you?” he asked, holding back a laugh. 

“No,” Devi said. “I actually have to work really hard at stuff, thank you very much!” 

“Okay.” Paxton turned so she couldn’t see his face and it annoyed her. 

What was he doing over there where she couldn’t see? Was he making fun of her? He’s the one that wanted to teach her how to drive! He shouldn’t get to make fun of her doing it! 

McEnroe: that’s not exactly what happened there, Devi. 

Devi pushed on the gas pedal a little more and Paxton turned his head to watch her.    
  
“Okay, that’s fine, don’t feel like you have to go faster,” he said. 

“I can drive faster, it’s an empty parking lot,” Devi argued. 

“Stop, put your foot on the brake.” Something about the way he said it caught her attention and she listened.    
  
She took a deep breath and sat for a second. “Probably shouldn’t drive trying to prove something?”

Paxton closed his eyes for a second. “No.” He opened his eyes and gave her a tight smile. “You’re doing fine, you don’t have to go fast. Slow is good. Why don’t you try again and this time if slow isn’t doing it for you, try turning while going slow.” 

Devi bit her lip. “Turn? Yeah. Okay. That could be exciting.” 

“Slowly.”    
  
“Right,” she said, gently pushing the gas pedal. She went forward for a minute and then did like he said, she started to turn the wheel to the left. 

“Perfect,” Paxton said. He looked more relaxed already. 

Devi did a couple of turns in the parking lot. It seemed like it took forever but she was starting to get the hang of it. She even felt confident enough to glance at Paxton while she was going. He smiled and even looked proud of her before she quickly shifted to focus back on the parking lot.    
  
She drove in a circle and then went forward again, going just over five miles an hour now, and got close enough to the building that Paxton had to gently encourage her to avoid the sidewalk that circled the building. It felt like she was miles from it, but he was patient and sure. 

When she got tired of going left, she decided to switch it up and go right. Carefully steering right, doing a small loop.    
  
“Right turns are totally the easiest. If you were in traffic, you don’t have to look for people coming both ways, just one way, much better than left turns,” Paxton was looking at her, she could hear him smiling. “Unless you’re in Japan. But that’s a whole other thing because you know, everything is flipped.” 

Devi hadn’t really felt confident enough to talk and drive at the same time but she slowed down a little and had room to just go straight so she gave it a try, “Do you drive in Japan?”

“No way,” Paxton said. He shook his head. “My uncle let me park the car once and just being on the other side was disorienting. I knocked over a potted plant in the driveway.”

“Oh right, because even the car is switched?

“Yeah. And I always get in on the wrong side of the car on the first day or two, you just forget.”

Devi thought about how Paxton always looked cool. He spoke Japanese and probably looked really cool in Japan too, until he tried to get into the wrong side of the car. 

“By the time we get on the plane to come home though, it looks funny for a minute being back here.” He sniffed and reached over Devi to adjust the air freshener on the sunvisor. “Don’t they drive on the left in India?” 

“Yeah,” Devi said, feeling a tension rise in her shoulders, a little uncomfortable with the question. “I think.” 

“Cool.” Paxton looked out his window quickly before looking back to supervise Devi. He was incredibly attentive and hadn’t looked at his phone once since this had started. “Do you ever visit India? Like where your parents are from?”

“I went when I was little,” Devi said, shrugging and pointedly avoiding eye contact. “I remember my grandparents constantly plying me with treats but other than that, couldn’t tell you anything that happened on the trip.” 

“Oh.” Paxton seemed to catch the vibe that she wasn’t into talking about it. “You want to try going in reverse?”

Devi shook her head. “Still getting comfortable with going forward.” 

“That’s cool. No rush. You’re doing great.” He sounded sincere and Devi couldn’t help but feel proud of herself. She was doing great. Paxton was teaching her to drive a car and she was out here turning in both directions, going 10 miles per hour. Sure, the Autopia cars at Disneyland probably went faster but Paxton’s Jeep was way easier to steer. 

She started to make a wider turn, seeing how long she could go before having to turn the wheel again. Then back to driving straight. It was a comfortable quiet, Paxton offering a tip here or there but mostly he just let her go. Devi got brave enough to press on the gas a little more. Taking the car a little faster and going from one edge of the parking lot to the other, slowing down as she turned the car. 

She drove past the exit of the parking lot and saw a car drive on the road and Devi pictured herself doing that. Driving on an actual road. She could do that. It wasn’t that hard. Hell, she’d probably be doing it soon. After this, she was going to order one of the books from the DMV online so she could take her test. If she did well on her first SAT she could probably convince her mom that she deserved it. As a reward. Then she’d have her license and then she could save for a car and then buy a car and then drive around all her friends. She was so close to being the best version of herself: Devi with a driver's license. 

A girl on a pink Vespa drove on the road and Devi wouldn’t have noticed, she was working on another loop of the parking lot and thinking about her new life with a car and a license but the girl honked and it sounded exactly like her Dad’s moped. Devi’s head snapped to the road and Paxton instantly picked up on it. 

“Devi, brake!” 

She did and that’s when she realized she’d steered the Jeep in the direction of the road. “Sorry.” 

“If you’re not paying attention, you’ll steer where you look.” 

“Yeah, I literally just did that. You don’t have to explain it.” 

Paxton tensed. “I think maybe that’s enough for today. We can come back again. Maybe even tomorrow if you want.” 

“So I sucked, huh?” Devi didn’t know why she was picking the fight but she was. 

“You did awesome, what are you talking about? I just said you were doing great.” Paxton went to unbuckle his seatbelt. “Put the car in park.” 

But Devi was still thinking about the Vespa, and her dad, and his moped. And instead of reaching for the gearshift, she pushed on the brake. Or what she thought was the brake. 

McEnroe: it was not the brake. It was the gas. And she was not thinking straight and she floored it. 

“Other pedal!” Paxton shouted but Devi was wide eyed and frozen. 

They were flying through the empty parking lot and headed straight for a dumpster.    
  
“Brake!” Paxton tried again, frantic. “Devi!” 

The way he shouted her name snapped her out of her fear and she moved her foot and slammed on the brake. They both flung forward as the car stopped abruptly, Paxton caught himself with his hands on the dash. The Jeep had stopped with plenty of space between them and the dumpster, three car lengths at least but Devi felt like she might throw up. 

Paxton blew out air and reached for Devi. He touched her face and ran his hand down her arm like he was checking to make sure she was okay but nothing had really happened. Except you know, her almost killing them both.    
  
Shit.

She’d almost killed them.    
  
Devi was steering the wrecking ball and she almost drove them right into a dumpster. Devi felt hot, embarrassed, and angry all at the same time. Before she could stop tears, they were streaming down her face. 

“Why’d you let me drive? This is basically a death machine and you let me steer it? I don’t even have my permit!”    
  


“Hey, it’s okay, we’re fine.” Paxton kept a hand on her cheek, trying to be calm.    
  
“No, we’re not!” she shouted. “I almost killed us!” I almost killed  _ you _ !” 

“We’re fine. You stopped long before the dumpster. You just got confused for a second. It happens. I once ran right over an island in the Gamestop parking lot. It’s fine.”    
  
“What’s wrong with you?” She smacked Paxton’s chest. “Why would you let me drive this car?” 

She was fuming and crying and she still vaguely felt like she needed to throw up. She looked down and noticed that Paxton didn’t have his seatbelt on and that only made it worse. Devi lifted her foot off the pedal and the Jeep jerked forward and she immediately put her foot back on the brake. Paxton moved the gear shift to park, but he kept one hand on Devi’s shoulder.    
  
“It’s fine,” he whispered. 

Devi unbuckled her seatbelt and threw the door open and jumped out. Paxton met her at the back of the Jeep and pulled her into a hug. She felt so stupid but she put her face in his neck and let him hold her for a minute.    
  
“It’s really fine,” he just kept whispering into her hair but Devi didn’t feel fine at all. 

  
  
  


\--

Devi came into Dr. Ryan’s office, refusing to sit down, wanting to get right to the point. It had been two days since the driving incident (or Devi was starting to refer to it as the time she very nearly killed herself and Paxton with a two ton motor vehicle) and she could not get the idea out of her head that her frustration and anger which also tended to lead to crying when Paxton was around, would cause him to dump her. 

“So the thing is I’ve been dating Paxton H-Y for almost three months and he’s definitely going to drop me because I keep getting mad and then he gets mad and I think I might actually love him but what does that even mean I’ve never been in love and how do I tell him that and Eleanor said that we won’t date our high school flings forever and she’s RIGHT so what am I supposed to do?!” Devi was out of breath and Dr. Ryan looked confused. 

“You’re going to have to slow down and we need to revisit some parts of this.” 

“Fine, what do you want to know?” Devi asked, taking a bottle of water from the end table, before she sat down. 

“Why is this the first you’re telling me that you’re dating Paxton?”   
  


“Oh, easy, my mom can’t know we’re dating and I thought you might tell her so I didn’t say anything.” 

Dr. Ryan frowned. “Devi, I’m not going to tell your mom anything we talk about unless I think you might hurt yourself and even then I have procedures I have to follow to let your mom know. You can trust me not to tell your mother something you’ve shared with me.” 

“Cool. That’s a relief because I really need some boy help right now.” 

“Why did you feel comfortable telling me you wanted to have sex with Paxton back in the fall but then didn’t-”

“It just wasn’t important,” Devi cut her off. 

Dr. Ryan did what Devi could only describe as a therapy eye roll. Not noticeable enough to be hurtful but she definitely rolled her eyes a little at Devi. 

“I’d say it’s actually very important to things you’ve been going through but okay.” She picked up her notebook and flipped back a few pages. “Did you tell your mom when you dated Ben?”

“Yeah and that was a disaster but that’s not why I haven’t told my mom about Paxton. Well, maybe but back before Ben, my mom really slammed Paxton like right to his face. She doesn’t like him and she said he was going to ruin my life and all he was doing was returning something to me! He was being nice!” Devi put her hands up in the air. “My poor boyfriend told me my mom’s voice plays in a loop in his head saying that! That he’s going to ruin my life! It’s a wonder he even wants to be with me!” 

“He must like you very much,” Dr. Ryan said. 

“I think. I don’t know!”

“Right, so we’ll come back to why keeping this from your mother is a bad idea later, I guess give me some context on you getting mad at him and him getting mad at you?”

“You remember last month, the really bad storm smack in the middle of the day? The skies just opened up and dumped on us?”   
  


Dr. Ryan nodded. 

“We all hang out at the pool. Paxton’s a lifeguard, his friend Trent works the gate, Fab, Eleanor, Eve, and I usually go hang out. We have lunch, we study some, they swim.” 

“But you don’t swim?” Dr. Ryan asked, knowing about her fear of swimming. 

“I’m on the side. It’s getting better. It’s fine. Not the pressing issue.”   
  
“It was a pressing issue before,” Dr. Ryan reminded her. 

“Bigger fish to fry, doc!” Devi said and Dr. Ryan nodded for her to continue. “So there’s thunder and lightning and Trent grabs Eleanor and we all follow him inside. There’s a whole side thing with Eleanor and Trent. It took them forever and me pretending to be you in a pretend therapy session to get Eleanor to actually date Trent.”

Dr. Ryan tilted her head. “Is that something I need for context?”

“Probably not,” Devi responded. “So Paxton goes to help get people out of the pool because that’s his job, right? But I’m waiting in the office with my friends and it’s pouring rain and there’s crazy thunder, and I know it’s just rain. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but I can’t help myself. I got so wound up. I was so sure Paxton was going to be struck by lightning and die or slip and fall and drown! It was stupid! It was crazy! But when he came in I was so angry! I was so mad at him for not being with me in the office. I swatted at him, like not hard, I’m not beating my boyfriend, I just, I was scared and angry and he told me to knock it off and he told me it was just rain and he hugged me and I cried and I did all this in front of my friends!” 

Devi was out of breath and almost crying just retelling the story. Dr. Ryan handed her a box of tissues. She took them but put them next to her because she was determined not to cry again. 

“You said he got mad,” Dr. Ryan prodded. “Why do you think he was mad?”

“Because I was acting crazy!” 

“I mean what did he do that made you think he was mad?” 

Devi bit her lip and paused. She ran through the story she’d just told again. “He told me to knock it off and he told me it was just rain.” 

“Did he do anything else?”

“No,” Devi answered. “Actually he even apologized later for shouting even though he didn’t really shout. More like raised his voice to match mine. I get angry and I get loud.” 

“Did he suggest you were crazy?”

“No.” 

“Did he imply you were crazy?”

Devi stopped again, putting herself in that small office, where it happened. 

“No, he even tried to talk to me quietly so my friends didn’t overhear. He didn’t want to embarrass me. Besides, I’d already done that myself.” 

Dr. Ryan wrote something down in her notebook and Devi frowned. She hated that. 

“What do your friends think of Paxton, it sounds like you’re all hanging out a lot?”

“They like him. He and Fabiola won’t stop talking about music now and Eleanor is still kinda mad about the group chat thing but not mad at him, mad at me.” 

“Group chat thing?”

“I definitely don’t think you need to know that for context.” 

Dr. Ryan wrote something else down and smiled at Devi. “Is there another time you want to talk about where you felt like Paxton was mad at you?”

“Well, he wasn’t mad at me but I got mad at him.”

“Okay, tell me about that,” Dr. Ryan encouraged. 

“Just the other day he took me out to this empty parking lot at a Mormon church. Apparently they have the best empty parking lots. I don’t know if that’s true but it was pretty great to drive in.” Devi waved her hand. “So he took me there to teach me to drive because my mom won’t let me get a permit but he thought it’d be fun and I thought it would be cool too. I want to learn how to drive and he’s a really good teacher. He teaches kids how to swim and he’s so patient. He kinda reminds me of my dad. My dad was so patient. Unless he was watching tennis.” 

McEnroe: I am still here and I am still listening and I love being reminded I was Mohan’s favorite tennis player. It’s why I love this narrator job! 

“So he was going to teach you how to drive,” Dr. Ryan said. 

“Right, so I started and it was fine except I almost ran his Jeep into a dumpster. Nothing in the parking lot and I almost killed us! I almost killed him! I was so angry at him for letting me drive! What was he thinking?”

She wrote something down again but this time put the notebook down. “And how did he react to that?”

“He…” Devi felt the tears well in her eyes now. “He tried to calm me down! He just let me be so mad at him and he took it and I could have killed him and he tried to make me feel better? What is wrong with him?!”

Dr. Ryan took a moment, either waiting for Devi to say something or considering what she was going to say. Devi felt the lump in her throat and couldn’t push past it. She finally reached for a tissue and dabbed her eyes, trying to stave off a full blown cry fest. 

“You mentioned he was mad at you, just like before, why do you think that?” 

“He couldn’t possibly have not been mad at me! I yelled at him!” Devi’s tears couldn’t be contained by the tissue any longer. They just fell down her cheeks and she started to sniff. 

“Devi,” Dr. Ryan was so soft. “It sounds like you’re mad at you. Not that your boyfriend is mad at you.” 

“Of course, I am! Why do I do this? Why do I get so angry? If I can’t stand it about me, how is he supposed to still like me? And I love him! I think? I don’t know. So now I love him and I’m awful and he’s just going to leave! Or die! He might die and then it will be my dad all over again!” 

Leaning back in her chair, Dr. Ryan gave Devi a sympathetic look. “It’s very common to fear that other loved ones will die after you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you.” 

“That sounds fake.” 

“I assure you it’s not.” 

“What about the thing Eleanor said? She said that we aren’t going to date who we date in high school forever! So why even bother trying to figure out if I love Paxton because it’s just going to end!” 

“Eleanor makes a good point. Most people don’t keep dating after high school.” 

Devi felt her stomach churn. Dr. Ryan was telling her exactly what she feared. None of this was going to last so why bother?

“But,” Dr. Ryan added. “We date when we’re young, we form relationships, to learn how to do it. Just like you take algebra for a foundation for more complicated math, just like you take English lit to learn how to think critically, we have relationships with people so you can learn how to do that. It’s a skill you’ll need as an adult. Not even just romantic relationships but platonic ones. You might not be best friends with Eleanor or Fabiola after you graduate high school. You’ll always be friends, but you won’t see each other all the time and you’ll make new friends. But that doesn’t make Eleanor or Fabiola any less important in your life. They’ve been your best friends for 10 years.” 

Devi’s brows furrowed. “So falling in love with Paxton is...fine?”

“It’s a part of growing up. You’re learning a new skill. You probably won’t marry him and it sounds like, despite your mother’s thoughts, he isn’t trying to ruin your life. He sounds like a good kid. Which quite frankly is not fair. Attractive and supportive? What kind of a unicorn did you find? Boys are not usually like that. Men aren’t even usually like that.” 

“That’s why you’re still single, huh? Men are trash,” Devi deadpanned. 

“We’re not talking about me, Devi,” Dr. Ryan said sternly. 

“So what do I do about the fact that I’m angry and scared he’s gonna die?”

“Well,” Dr. Ryan picked up the notebook again. “Recognize that the fear is normal. It’s okay for you to worry but don’t let it overtake you.” 

McEnroe: That sounded easy enough. 

“And you should tell him why you’re so scared.”

“You mean I should tell him I maybe love him and am scared he might die because I love him?”

“Maybe not like that, but yes. Tell him where that fear comes from.”

“What if he thinks I’m crazy and dumps me right there? What if he doesn’t love me back? What if all this time he’s just been having sex with me and doens’t care about my feelings?”

Dr. Ryan closed her eyes for a moment, but then opened them and sighed. “Are you practicing safe sex?”

“Yes. Well. One time I tried to convince him that it was fine when he didn’t have a condom but that’s when he told me about my mom’s voice in his head saying he would ruin my life and he almost left the room to make sure we didn’t do anything.” 

“Smart kid,” she said, under her breath. “Devi, you don’t know how he feels because you haven’t talked about it. He might not love you back. But if you don’t talk to him, you’ll never know.” 

“So why not never talk to him about it, hm? That seems like a more reasonable plan.” 

Dr. Ryan smiled. “That is  _ a _ plan.” 

“Okay great so I won’t talk to him and I will just try to remember that me panicking that he might die is totally normal because my dad died. Got it.” 

“Devi.” Dr. Ryan sounded exasperated. “You don’t have to talk to him. But I think you might feel better if you do.” 

“Sounds fake, you’re just giving nothing but fake stuff.” 

“Alright. Do what you gotta do and I’ll see you next week.” 

“Wait,” Devi interrupted. “It’s okay to be in love though? That’s fine right? You said it was practice and that’s good, right?”

“Have your goals changed at all because you maybe love your boyfriend?”

“No! I’m still aiming for Princeton and then I’m gonna be the baddest doctor they’ve ever seen. And not some boring doctor like my mom or you, I’m talking real shit. Like a surgeon or an ER doctor!” 

Dr. Ryan pressed her lips together at Devi’s comment about boring doctors. “You’re a teenager. You’re supposed to have fun and learn. It’s okay to love your boyfriend. Even if it doesn’t last forever. Eleanor is wise but she’s being a little dramatic.” 

“Ha, you don’t even know how on brand that is for her.” 

“You’re allowed to have fun. So, have fun. While also being responsible about having sex and keeping your academic goals in mind.” 

“Medium fun,” Devi offered. 

“Yes,” Dr. Ryan nodded. “Medium fun.”   
  
“Got it.”    
  
“And next week we’re going to talk about why it’s a bad idea to keep this from your mother,” Dr. Ryan said as Devi left the office but Devi kept walking. Better not to think about that at the moment. 

McEnroe: Therapy was sorted. That was fine. Devi didn’t need to tell Paxton anything. She understood why she was freaking out. The new plan was to just handle this herself. 

But as Devi walked, she came to the turn where she’d go to Paxton’s house versus her own, and stopped. She pulled out her phone to look at the time. Her mom would be home in an hour so she should go home. But an ambulance flew down the street past her, lights and sirens on. It turned the direction of Paxton’s house. Devi knew objectively, that ambulance was going somewhere else, yet she was transported to that moment when the ambulance took her dad away. Her dad’s body. She felt sick. 

“It’s fine. This isn’t real,” she whispered to herself, but she felt tears well in her eyes and she started running towards Paxton’s house just to be sure. Just to show her dumb brain that he was fine. 

McEnroe: Paxton’s Jeep was just pulling in as she made it to his house. No ambulance. He wasn’t even home. He’d just gotten there. It’s fine. He’s fine, Devi. 

Her eyes were puffy from the tears and she was out of breath. She leaned over, resting her hands on her knees to try and calm down and Paxton was out of the car and next to her in a flash. That kid is fast.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” He looked around, hoping to see why she was frantic. 

But Devi couldn’t catch her breath. 

Paxton knelt down in front of her, he brushed her tears off her cheeks with his thumbs while holding her face. He started to breathe slowly and deeply. “Just follow me, slow and long.” 

Devi tried to match his breathing but her lungs burned and she couldn’t get enough air and her skin felt tight. She couldn’t get there, her body continued to rage against her, the tears coming harder and faster now, she started to shake. 

“Okay, new plan, let’s go inside,” he offered, getting up quickly and taking her hand.    
  
“I can’t,” she whispered, her voice raw and strained. 

“You can’t or don’t want to?” His tone was steady and gentle. 

“Can’t.” 

“I’m gonna pick you up, okay?” 

She nodded and that was all the permission he needed. Paxton reached around her back, and under her legs, she put her arm around his neck, and he easily carried her into the house. 

“Becca, can you get me some water?”

“Get it yourself!” Rebecca called from the other room, on her way to meet him until she saw him put Devi on the couch, flushed, still crying, now shivering. “I’ll get it.” 

“I’m…” her breathing was still erratic, but Paxton sat with her. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, don’t apologize,” he said, sitting next to her, one hand on her knee, the other holding her hand. Like he wanted to give her space but also be close to her. 

“It’s...it’s stupid,” she ground out, frustrated with herself. Just like Dr. Ryan said she was mad at herself more than anything. 

Becca brought a bottle of water and Paxton took it, twisting the cap off and offering it to Devi. Her hands were barely shaking now, a good sign she was calming down. She took the bottle and took a slow sip. She closed her eyes and Paxton took the bottle from her. 

“I got this, can you give us a minute?” Paxton whispered to his sister. 

“Mom’s gonna be home in half an hour, should I call her?” 

“I’m fine!” Devi almost shouted. 

“Okay,” Rebecca said, but she didn’t look convinced. She went back to her room, leaving Paxton there to handle this. 

Paxton started the slow, deep breathing again. He didn’t say anything to her, just sat with her, holding her knee and her hand, breathing. It took a few minutes but Devi started to match his breaths. 

Devi closed her eyes. Now that she was calmer, she was mortified. This was exactly the thing she’d worried about.    
  
“I’m so sorry I’m like this,” she whispered, half hoping he wouldn’t hear her. 

“Like what?” His voice was just as quiet as hers but he sounded uneasy. 

“I’m an emotional mess.” She opened her eyes and looked at him quickly and then down at her feet. “Oh god, my shoes.”    
  
She pulled them off her feet and chucked them at the front door. One of them hit the door hard with a thud.    
  
“Emotional mess with a good arm,” he said, giving her a tentative smile. 

Devi managed a small smile. She still felt like crying but at least she could breathe. 

“Oh no, I yelled at Becca, I need to apologize to her.”

“She’ll understand.” Paxton’s knee started bouncing. “Can you tell me what happened?”

The ambulance, the conversation at therapy, the almost killing him from two days ago, the crying, the way she was angry, where should she even start? He was still holding one of her hands and she rubbed her thumb along his hand, trying to decide. 

“There was an ambulance,” she started. “It’s stupid but I thought it was coming here and I kinda lost control of my body there for a minute. I kept seeing my dad. He was dead when they put him in the ambulance but they took him to the hospital anyway and my mom went with him and I watched the ambulance take them away.” 

“Shit.” Paxton’s leg stopped shaking. He looked at her like he was waiting for something. 

Devi focused on the carpet fibers, pressing her foot into the rug until she couldn’t press down anymore. 

“I was at therapy and I told Dr. Ryan that I keep getting mad at you. I keep thinking you’re going to die.” Devi couldn’t look at him, but she felt him tense. His hand that held hers didn’t though, like he was still trying to keep her calm. “She said that’s actually normal. I’m not crazy. So that’s a relief.” 

She tried to laugh, to lighten the mood, but nothing came out. 

“What’s normal?” Paxton asked, trying to move so he could look in her eyes but she kept her eyes on the rug. 

  
Devi sighed and forced herself to meet his eyes. 

“It’s apparently super normal and chill to worry that people you care about will die when you are grieving or whatever.” She gave him a halfhearted smile. “So it’s fine. I’m just hopefully temporarily an emotional mess and will eventually get over this.” 

“Hey,” he said earnestly, holding her cheek in his free hand. “I promise not to die.” 

Devi couldn’t help the way she sucked in air, closed her eyes, and started to cry again. The corners of her eyes were sore and dry from the amount of crying she’d done in the last hour, how did her body rebel like this when surely she was dehydrated?   
  
Why did he always do that? He said things like she didn’t owe him for being rescued, that everything was okay, and that thing about his cousins making fun of him for getting her the Duffy Bear pictures. Why did he kiss the side of her head and make jokes about how her bad flirting totally worked on him? And why did he just keep letting her cry on him? 

“Devi, no, no, I said the wrong thing. I’m sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry again. You really need to drink some water,” she heard him say and it only made her want to cry harder. But she didn’t. She could get control. 

She inhaled, unsteadily, but she did it. 

And then she exhaled. 

Devi opened her eyes to see his worried face and furrowed brows. 

“I can’t keep acting like this. I’m so sorry I got mad at you over the storm and the driving and the con and-” 

Paxton cut her off. “Devi, all I remember about those times is that you were scared. That I wasn’t with you or that your mom would find out about us or that we almost died and you thought it was your fault, I barely remember you being mad. I’m always more worried about you being scared.” 

She wiped at her eyes frantically, trying to feel more put together. “Dr Ryan said I should tell you why I’m scared.”    
  
“You did, it’s okay.”    
  


Devi shook her head. “I’m scared because I love you. I didn’t want to say it because I thought you’d leave and Eleanor said the thing about high school and I felt stupid for even thinking it.” 

Paxton’s face very slowly shifted. The corners of his mouth went up and he blushed. He gulped and then he was beaming. “You love me?”

Devi nodded, despite his reaction, she still felt like crying. 

“You love me,” he repeated, cupping her face with both hands. Paxton leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I shoulda said it first.” 

“What?” she asked, confused. 

“I love you, Vishwakumar.” He was so close to her lips that he just barely touched hers as he spoke.

“Are you sure?” Devi asked, grabbing his wrists and moving his hands away from her face so she could look at him more clearly. 

But Paxton nodded quickly before he leaned in to kiss her. He caught her bottom lip between his and she felt his hand in her hair. Kissing him was a normal occurrence by now. Daily, constantly. But there was always a fire, slow or fast, urgent or easy comfort. This one was different. It felt like a relief. Like the first time he’d kissed her in his Jeep, it was warm and smooth but now it was full of reassurance. 

Devi pulled back, out of breath. Paxton was still looking at her lips but he moved his hand from her hair, sliding it down her neck and back up to hold her cheek, and he was breathing as heavy as she was now. 

“How long have you been not saying it?” 

He scrunched his face, thinking a second before he answered. 

“Definitely since your mom tried to catch us in a lie at lunch. I was so sure I was gonna blow it and you’d be locked in your room forever. But then Eleanor said high school relationships don’t last and I couldn’t tell you then.”    
  
“This is all Eleanor’s fault,” Devi joked, before pressing a quick kiss to his lips. She pulled back and he grinned.    
  
“I love you,” Paxton said and Devi smiled wider, the load of all those feelings she’d been carrying around lightened.    
  
“Great news,” she whispered. “Dr. Ryan said that Eleanor is dramatic and it’s okay for me to love you.” 

“Love having the therapist seal of approval,” he said, tracing her jaw with his finger and then pushing some hair behind her ear. “Devi, I love you.”   
  
“Why do you keep saying that?” She laughed. 

“You haven’t said it back in a minute. I’m encouraging you.”

Devi’s chest ached. 

He loved her. 

“I love you, Paxton Hall-Yoshida.”

“Full name, that’s perfect. I needed to make sure you were talking to me.” 

Devi rolled her eyes, but she leaned in again and kissed his cheek, then his jaw, then back to his lips. 

“Mom just pulled in!” Becca shouted from the hallway and Devi pulled away from Paxton. 

“Hey wait,” Paxton said. “Before you said you were a mess and you said it like it was a bad thing.”

Devi looked at him confused.

“I like that about you. I like that you’re not afraid to be messy and weird and loud and mad. I feel kinda special that you let me see that part of you,” Paxton explained. 

“You love that I’m a mess?” She gave him a crooked smile. 

“It sounds bad when you say it like that but yeah, I love all those parts of you.” 

McEnroe: goddamn, Devi’s life is really shaking out to be a rom com! I did not expect this when we started following her and narrating her life. 

Paxton took Devi home, even though Mrs. H-Y once again begged her to stay for dinner. That night, she did a last scroll of Instagram. Paxton had tagged her in a selfie of the two of them from the pool earlier that week. She had big sunglasses on and her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head, she was on the side of the pool, legs in, while he was in the pool, in between her legs, his arm clearly out for the photo. She was smiling and his mouth was wide open like he was shouting. He’d captioned it with “my happy place” and added several hashtags but the one that stood out at the end said hashtag love her. 

Devi put her phone on her bedside table, took a deep breath, and smiled. Perhaps Dr. Ryan actually knew what she was talking about. Her advice worked and Devi felt like she could conquer anything now. 

Just as she was about to fall asleep, her phone vibrated. She picked it up and saw a message from Paxton. It was a gif of Marie Kondo joyously clasping her hands together. “I love mess.” 

Devi laughed and replied, “I love you, too.” And rolled over to go to sleep.    
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm not done with the fic or anything, still a few more parts, but this one took a long time to put together (i've been writing it simultaneously with the other stuff for a couple weeks) so I'd really love to hear the parts you liked best! It would mean a lot to me!


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